Ever since my heart was broken by a friend when i was 10 years old i’ve inoculated myself to any possibility of hurt, by completely isolating myself from everyone. And when i mean everyone, i mean the entire fucking world. It’s was so bad that i didn’t see my Mum & Dad for weeks/months on end, even though we only live 30 minutes apart. It’s was really bad. But towards end of the year i’ve made strides to correct that, case in point i try to visit my parents every weekend, which has been great, my Mum doesn’t bug me anymore about why i don’t visit, my Dad gets to give me a lecture on the state politics and i get to laugh uncontrollably for hours, talking to my not-so-little brothers; win!
But with friends it’s a bit more tricky. Over the years – like anyone else – i’ve lost some friends along the way, but not through any fault of my own, life just took us on different journeys and unfortunately we haven’t been able to cross paths again. It’s a bummer, but i guess it happens all the time, especially in a metropolitan city like London where people are ascending and descending along the social and economical spectrum on a daily basis. The real issue i seem to have is maintaining a friendships with people i’m still in contact with or in close proximity too. For some reason i’ve been disastrously unable to communicate with anyone, and the really worrying thing is that i seem to enjoy it. I guess deep down i really hate having to explain myself in any way, shape or form. I just want to move around the planet with as little to no excess baggage as possible. The mere fact that i relate friendship to baggage probably says a lot about my mental state, but i hope you get where i’m coming from. In essence i find maintaining friendships very difficult because i’m insanely selfish with my time, there; i said it aloud.
The issue has compounded itself the older i get as i now have an insatiable need to talk to someone about life. But not in a boyfriend and girlfriend type way, i mean a real deep meaningful conversation with another person who has an interesting and ultimately different perspective on things. In some way i started my podcast as way to address that problem, as it allows me the space to journal my thoughts aka brain fart, but the issue with that approach is that you’ve got no-one talking back too you. Which lead me right back to a place i thought i’d never be, which is opening myself up to being vulnerable again, which is scary as fuck for a serial loner like myself. But i’m a firm believer that life is about putting yourself in as many uncomfortable positions as possible and overcoming them. I started the process the other day by explaining my terrible actions to a friend i’d ignored for the last few months, which was awkward at first but ultimately lead to a very favourable conclusion; we’re good now. I dont’ know why i avoided it for so long, but being able to talk through your grievances with another adult without it getting volatile was great, and something i hope to continue in the long run.